The Real Real

The truth behind my absence

It has been a while Substack…

To be honest, life has just been moving SO quickly. Since we last spoke my family and many friends have come to visit, I have traveled a ton, run a marathon, lived through design week in Milano, lost some friends, gained some friends and quite frankly lost myself a bit in the speed of my life. I will try to recap it all just for my memory, but first I want to share some candid feelings.

Today I am writing from a place of deep heartache, and confusion frankly. I love my life here, and simultaneously I miss home so much. It takes a lot for me to say that because I pride myself on being the brave one. I gaslight myself into thinking life is perfect, because since I lost my dad I have had a really weird relationship with the idea of going home, moving home etc. For some reason in my head I have allowed myself to feel like going home means going backwards when the over-achiever in me is obsessed with only moving forward. One day, I see a life for myself in Europe. The next day I cannot imagine missing any more days with my mom and family. In one moment I am the happiest I have ever been, and in the next I am the loneliest. I guess those are the woes of life far away from who you love. The truth is, I had this experience when I moved to Austin and Seattle as well. High highs, low lows. When you first move somewhere the glasses are certainly rosey. Here in Milan I felt so excited about early girlfriends I had made at school, several of those friendships have not quite panned out. That always happens. There is an adjustment period where the glasses come off and you have to sort of search for the next lens. I think I am finding myself smack in the middle of an adjustment period. I feel like I went from loving being alone, to maybe being alone too often and starting to feel the loneliness set in. I actually found myself about to talk to ChatGPT about how lonely I feel, which is when I realized it was time to update Substack. I used to think that was an insane thing to do, I cannot believe I even thought of it honestly, down bad. I could have never imagined how lonely it can feel at times living in a country where you do not speak the language, even though I am trying, it is a slow process. Being on the outside 24/7 is tough.

Additionally, I ran the London Marathon a little less than two weeks ago! Every single time I run a race I find myself super depressed for a few weeks after. I have not quite figured out how to combat that. I also was super focused on myself, and was knocked a bit off track by (beautiful) but unforeseen relationships that have caused me to do what I do best, which is give every ounce of myself to others. My last rationalization for my struggle right now is that I was really KILLING the content game, and have been virtually non-existent on social media for a few months now. Here is what happened there; I grew my Tik-Tok to 2,000 followers after a HUGE amount of effort and was banned for posting a video of myself at the Olympics because NBC reported my video from the Opening Ceremonies because of media rights I guess. I tried to appeal it and I could not get the account back, that really discouraged me. Around the same time war broke out in Lebanon, I am Lebanese. It’s weird because I am only half Lebanese. I cannot speak Arabic, I have never even been and I have no idea if I have any family still there. Yet the survivors’ guilt hit me SUPER hard. Probably partially because I am also American, and the USA is so largely involved in the Middle East struggle. It started to feel a bit superficial to post about how amazing my Euro adventures are while my people are struggling not so far away. The world is a really conflicting place in that way. I want to get back into it, but I am having a bit of a block on where to begin and for maybe the first time in my life feeling nervous about judgement. It’s been 4 on and off years of trying to grow my page, and I feel super discouraged but at the same time I know I can do it. I do believe I have a story to tell. In the same breath, I feel constantly pulled between the idea of just being in the moment, and creating to grow. It is a tough challenge.

The last hard thing right now is living without an income. I have not lived without an income in a very long time. Wages in Italy are super low, and my school schedule is very intense. Frankly, it almost does not make sense to stress myself with a low-wage job. At the same time, I am at the point of my time here where I am counting every dollar out. I am stressed. Being stressed about money is really tough. I am not having a ton of luck finding anything part-time, but again am hoping maybe something will come to fruition soon. This money thing has really caused me to question my worth, which is so ironic because I spent my first 3 months here more sure of my worth than I ever had before.

This time has been such a blessing, truly. I am happy, life is simple and for once in my life the pressure is mostly off for the moment, but the pressure for the future still feels very present. I guess the purpose in writing all of this is for me to feel a bit relieved, but also to be so honest that it is not all rainbows and butterflies no matter what you see. It is also really hard sometimes. Life is hard, but through the hard we find the beautiful.

Now for the good things! My sister, mom and brother and law came to visit and we covered so much ground! We visited Cap Ferrat, Geneva and then they came to Milano. It was a bit stressful because I was marathon training. Trying to fit quality time in with school and training was not easy, but I was so happy to have them here. Mom came to London to see me race as did my cousins based in Zurich, friends from Seattle and Milano! Seeing my friends from Seattle was so special, hard to explain the love I have for those people and that chapter. My mom flying here again was just a testament of her love. I am truly blessed! I got to take her to Como, and we had the best time just us two! My sweet Claire came to visit just this last week as well, we had the BEST time. We did so much! Verona, Garda, Modena, Milano, Lecco. Having her in the car with me blasting country music felt so cathartic, and also contributed a bit to the home sickness.

The week before the London Marathon was Design Week. Design Week is a WILD week. Imagine I was walking 40k steps every single day the week before, and even having to go out late to socialize a few nights. It was less than ideal marathon prep, but I am glad I soaked it up nevertheless. Life is short. The marathon itself was SO fun, maybe some of the most fun I have ever had. I clocked a 3:25 and the reason that is even relevant is because of how proud I am to be able to do that relatively easily now. Training was sooooo far from perfect, but so fun!

I also ventured to Budapest the weekend before London with my girlies from Vienna, and had my wallet stolen. That sucked. The week before that I was surfing in the Canaries with my cousins. That was perfect though it was cloudy and rainy. Being by the water just filled my little July cancer heart to the brim. During that week, I remembered my dad. It was 5 years April 7, which feels insane to think about. I think I miss him more every day honestly, especially living here.

There was a Vienna trip to see the Sabres play at some point in March! This was quite special, but also eye opening. The inequities around their facilities and all they go through to play hockey is honestly insane. I learned a lot. No free gear, traveling 1.5 hours out of Vienna just to get to their rink. They all show up with a smile! But there is WORK to be done in this department.

I have also been having some fun with my film camera! I got to take some photos for some creatives in Milan that came out so well, I have a few more shoots upcoming for friends that I am so excited about.

It is crazy to say but I am already feeling better, thank goodness writing is an option, and remembering all the joyful moments over the last several months. I am so blessed! Truly.

As I begin my search for a more permanent position as this year winds down, please reach out if you know of any available marketing/ partnership opportunities especially in the running/lifestyle space. Anyways, it has been a whirlwind of the last few months. Overall, I am beyond happy and I would not want to be anywhere else. In my pursuit of authenticity, I want to share the challenges behind the choices I have made to be here. Being happy comes with a guilt tax.

Onward and upward. Hopefully I get back to posting more regularly! I will try my best.

Ciao for now,

Kiki